13. Now what?

Now what? That is a question I ask a lot. In big life questions, or in the smallest scenario. I can't seem to move forward without a plan, or multiple plans. If this experience has taught me anything, it is that is that is a futile question. So often in the process of moving on from this, I felt completely stuck. Like I had come to a place that didn't offer any forward momentum. As I have referenced previously, those moments of uncertainty, the ones where other's cannot understand the urgency where I have to move breeds panic inside of me, where I flail around looking for a way out. There were so many of these moments, so many moments where I felt like my air supply was cut off. It was like I was in this glass box that I could see out and people could see in, but I couldn't move. I couldn't move and someone else held the key to let me out and I had no say as to when that would happen. I refused, for so long, to just look around at what was in the waiting. In the moments of quiet. They were far too loud for me to rest. There were many times that I was given the option to stop, to pause, to rest, and I ran like the devil himself was chasing me. I was not ready to be still. I was not ready to feel safe in uncertainty. As quickly as I ran from those situations, God was just as quick to chase after me. Not even just that, he was quick to go before me, and stand beside me, and carry me. Even in the moments that my scars made those opportunities difficult. Especially in those moments. I took the stance that I would not allow this to change me. My intentions behind that was to not allow this to break me and to not allow it to take me away from the church. I have seen that happen to people in such a tragic way and wanted to be conscious of that. So I planted (or really, dug) my feet in and refused to be moved.

LOL.

Sometimes I look back at my prideful moments and cannot believe how justified I felt in them at the time. I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that making the declaration that I would not be changed was my best "christian" response. That was, by far, the most immature, pride-filled, and ignorant thing I could have done. I failed to see that God wanted to use this situation, my pain, my brokenness, the people that let me down, my experience with the church - he wanted to use all of that to change me. He didn't ask me to dig my heels in and refused to be changed. He doesn't want us to be unchanged by the things that hurt us. He wants us to look to Him to see how we can bend and break to respond more like Him. He doesn't ask us to be perfect. He has only ever asked us to show up as we are. It is a simple request to just try. As a human, that comes with a whole lot of messy. A whole lot of mistakes. A whole lot of inauthentic moments that will eventually define your authentic moments.

I am going to get REAL spiritual here for a moment. I'm not apologizing for it, I'm just preparing you. This situation was designed to take me out. I believe we have an enemy. Just as much as I believe that we have a Savior that came to live and die to save me, I believe there is an enemy that is working against the plans that God has for me. I would be foolish to believe in one and not the other. So I believe with everything in me that this whole experienced was designed to take me out. Is it fair? I certainly don't think so. But, I have a choice to decide to whom I give the final say. I get to decide if I am going to allow it to take me out. Spoiler alert: I'm here for the long haul. I'm not done, and God is certainly not done with me.

The moments of uncertainty, the moments of chaos, the moments of conflict are designed to take you out. They are also designed to bring hope in the form of change. In the middle of chaos. And in this process,  grief and hope co-exist. They are both changing you. I would like to put a date on when I learned that, but we can just put a future date on that one for now.

When you are trying to change, to catch your breath, to be better, trying to learn from what wounded you, it often feels like every step is opposition. Grief has a memory. A memory in your thoughts, in your actions - because grief’s memory has settled deep into your heart and informs everything around you how to survive. Hope is the enemy of those grief stricken moments. Hope sneaks in and terrorizes you with moments of relief and the notion of healing. Your grief will rise up against hope because it doesn’t feel safe; it feels like a trick. Grief has a name; grief has a place; grief is all consuming; grief is no respecter of time; grief doesn’t care who you were - it shapes you into a different person. You begin to learn how to live here. Just above the water. Just below people seeing you. In the middle where waves do not exist. You are used to, and even comforted by, the mild aches. And you make a choice. To live in grief today, tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, or you choose to change it. To let hope rise up against grief, because it isn’t safe. Hope has a name; hope has a place; hope is all consuming; hope is no respecter of time; hope doesn’t care who you were - it shapes you into a different person. Grief serves it purpose for a time, but hope endures forever.

My hope lives in the promise that God has given me that he will never leave nor forsake me. Not ever. Even in the times that it is difficult to see him in my situation. He is always with me. There are countless times in the bible where someone is in a horrible, dangerous, or hurtful situation. In those times it would have been so easy for Jesus to snap his fingers and make that situation disappear - but he doesn't. On any given day, you can find me thoroughly annoyed with that. I even throw around the idea that if He would just fix  <insert situation>, then everyone around that situation would see how loving and powerful He is. I look at the bible that way and I look at my own life that way. Like I am gently (and aggressively) reminding Jesus of His own power and how fixing my situation would clearly be best for all man kind. And I often find myself disappointed, maybe even throwing around an eye roll - because if He would have just listened to me... Like I have something to bring to this whole "savior of the world" table.(Hint: I do not) But what I fail to see immediately in those stories, and in my own life, is how Jesus shows up. He is present. He keeps His promise to never leave me. I spend so much time begging Him for a quick fix that I often miss just being in His presence. Don't miss those moments. They may be harder to see, harder to hold on to, but they exemplify the heart of Jesus - to always be near.

So, now what? I have no idea. It still makes me pretty uncomfortable that I don't know how people will respond to what I have written. I do not know that I will ever feel completely comfortable with people reading my experience and process. But I just have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

Here is what I do know and how I will end this chapter at the end of this book and in the middle of my life. Whatever has happened in my life, in your life, certainly does shape who you are. The pain, the beauty, the questions, the answers, actions, and reactions. You do not always get a say in how those things play out. But here is the choice you will always get. Because Jesus chose you first, you will always get to choose Him. I do not know what you are going through right now. It may be a situation that feels full of only bad choices that you can make. So make your only and constant choice -  Jesus. It doesn't mean you will wake up tomorrow and everything you wanted and hoped for will be waiting for you. It can feel betraying each morning that you do wake you without that. But by choosing Jesus, you are choosing truth. You are choosing to walk in the direction of healing. Most of things around you will completely contradict that choice. But can I tell you, I have never, not ever, regretted choosing to pursue Jesus. There were and are moments that make that decision difficult and I have questioned it a million times over. But I have never regretted it.

Questions

• Where can you find hope amidst your grief? It is there. Likely buried by grief, but it is there.
  
• What situation or chapter in your life feels unfinished? You may not need to dig very deep for this one. Identify it. Identify the hurt and disappointment that comes with that. I am a firm believer that whatever is in the light, out in the open, cannot continue to bury you.
  
• What areas of your life are fighting to get out of? Is this because you are uncomfortable, or because it is time to go. Really reflect on that. There are times that warrant us fighting to stay, but there are a lot of times that we should be fighting to let go.
  
• What areas of uncertainty can you give to God instead of figuring it out on your own? I am as controlling as they come. Losing control in this area is wildly uncomfortable, but brings so much healing.
  
• Last question: Have you told your heart yet that you are going to be OK? If not, send a gentle message along. 
  

Scripture

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Quote

God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live . . . loved. -Lysa Terkeurst

Song

"Another in the Fire" by Hillsong United

There was another in the fire
Standing next to me
There was another in the waters
Holding back the seas
And should I ever need reminding
Of how I've been set free
There is a cross that bears the burden
Where another died for me
There is another in the fire