12. The girl who cries
When I made the decision to officially leave my church, I felt completely lost as to where to go and what to do next. I didn't have a transition plan. I didn't expect anyone in leadership to help me find a new church, but I guess I hoped for some guidance on how to stay connected to Jesus and his word and in good, solid community. I certainly didn't communicate that, but at that point, my words were white noise. I didn't have it in me to ask for help to find all of that. And to be totally honest, I don't know that I would have trusted what they told me anyway. But, I think that is a really, REALLY important part of leaving a church. When I left, I searched high and low for resources, for something to help me process through this, but I couldn't find anything. So I chose to create one. That is why I wrote this book. So that someone else that might be searching high and low for a resource to get through the long road ahead of them might find some solace in my journey, my mistakes, and my victories.
I took a few weeks off from church - maybe even months. I got up on Sunday mornings feeling totally confused about what to do with the first half of my day. Barring some other obligation or being out of town, I went to church every single Sunday. But in the process of leaving my church, I couldn't walk into that building. I tried watching online a few times, but it only made me feel like the things I hated about walking into the physical building had invaded my safe space. So, I stopped going. I stopped watching. It was on the forefront of my mind always that I needed to be careful of that. I needed to be careful to not allow my hurt and fear and bitterness to make the decision that it was too risky to give church another go. All the while understanding that I needed to take a break and de-program my thoughts about church. I was grieving the loss of my church and everything that came with it, but still trying to hold on to the last piece of the church that I hadn't made a decision on. My small group. I had been with them since they were freshmen.This would be their senior year. I needed to figure out a way to stick with this for one more year without walking away from them. This was shortly after their junior year had concluded so I had the summer to really make that decision. I had communicated to leadership that I was leaving the church but that I needed some time to figure out what I was going to do with my small group for their senior year. I shared that I didn't feel like I had a choice in leaving and that I needed to heal from this situation and did not think I could do that in my current church environment. Not a single person included in that communication responded or reached out to me in any way after that. A month later I received a text thanking me for a card I had written and a vague "hope you are well". I responded with a message that I was not well and did not hear anything again for another two months. At the time, I was so angry. I was so hurt. At them, because of them. I was trying so hard to find a way to be emotionally healthy enough to lead a group of girls to know Jesus better, to build community, and to be involved in a church that I dreaded walking into.
That summer may have been the height of my anger in this process. I don't think I have ever said the F word more in my life. It came out of my mouth constantly. I was effing mad at everyone and everything. I knew I needed to be in a space that would breed healing and a softening of my heart, but I dreaded any part of going to my church. So I decided to try some other churches. Can I just say, there is nothing worse than "shopping" for churches. Small churches specifically. Everyone knows you are new. And I kept forgetting to wear my "Hey everyone, I left my church and I don't need a handshake or a hug from you. I would like for you to pretend I don't exist so that I can move through the emotions of being in a church setting that is unfamiliar and feels betraying in my heart. So please leave me alone" shirt. I was forced into some awkward, fake conversations. Luckily, I had a precious friend that was also looking for a church at the time and sat next to me every. single. week. I cannot even tell you the safety that gave me in this process. I cried every single time I went into church, my old church and every new church, for an entire year. Every single week. I just cried for all of worship. I had absolutely no control over it. My grief and my heart was so heavy. I have found Jesus in worship for my whole life. So the second the environment lent itself to leading me in worship, I cried for all of it. Sometimes a few tears would escape my eyes as I let the music and lyrics wash over me. I didn't sing those days. Sometimes it was a weep from the core of me. An uncontrollable weep that took all of my energy. I sang through my tears those days. I would leave feeling so angry that I couldn't control my emotions and so relieved that I couldn't control the release that was forced out of me. You would think that after a few weeks of this, it would stop. Nope. Some weeks it was worse than the last. I felt SO much shame about this. I felt like I was so weak and needed to get some control over this. And that was my prayer. To be able to get my emotions in check. At some point, I gave up the desire to control it. Not willingly, I just didn't have the control anymore.
That seems so simple, but it was terrifying to not have an end date on this grief. But there was certainly power in just being the girl that cries every week, until I wasn't. I didn't know when I would be the girl that didn't cry every week, but I would be the girl that did cry every week until then. Friends, I hated it. I HATED IT! It was horrifying, embarrassing, and honestly, not really appropriate, even in a church setting. But please hear me. I am so glad I stopped controlling my outward expression of my grief. I truly don't think I would be walking in the healing I have now if I didn't allow myself to unravel in a place where I found Jesus. Had I not let the words of a worship song wash over me in the most raw and painful way. Here is the thing. Jesus meets us where we are at and asks nothing of us and everything of us, all at once. By simply showing up, in whatever state I was in was enough. But he took everything that I was and started the slow process of my healing. That is not because I went to a physical building. That was my journey, that was what I needed. I needed the discipline of showing up every week - with nothing and with everything. I didn't have the discipline, or the strength really, to stay in that moment outside of the structure of church. I am certain there were people in my life that could not handle my extreme emotions. If I was on the outside of this situation, I would have likely said the words "get it together" in response to how often I cried. I am sure people felt this way about me. And I do not blame them. I just don't care about that opinion anymore. Because I was rescued through this. I was drowning in a sea of emotions and Jesus showed up every week to rescue me. I will never apologize for that. I needed it to be Jesus. It couldn't be a person- a leader, a friend, or my family. I am thankful for the people that did show up, like my sweet friend that never even addressed how I cried every week. She just let me be the girl who cries. I am so thankful for her. But I couldn't allow responses and situations rescue me or I would be treading water for my whole life and I was exhausted. It had to be Jesus. It was Jesus.
I am sure you are dying to know if I made it through with my girls for their senior year, right? I did not. I went back for the first week of their senior year, still without a single conversation from anyone in the ministry, and thought I was going to throw up. I knew I did not have the help to get through this year without permanently damaging these girls view of the church. I had a co-leader that is my dear friend and has walked through this journey with me for years, and has been a voice of reason and love for me in this process. The goal was to give it six weeks and reevaluate together. I made it one week and we both knew it was the right thing for me to do to step down. We talked about how we would tell the girls, the impact that it would have on so many people, and when the right time to do it was. I prayed and begged for a way to stay. Just one more year, God, please. Give me the strength for one more year. That was an unanswered prayer. So, I went in, their second week, and gave them very, very minimal information as to why I was leaving, and made sure that I explained how important being part of church and community was, all while keeping silent about that being the very thing that had destroyed me. I knew it to be true, I just couldn't live that out in that moment. We all cried. I looked in the face of 14 girls that I loved, and spent three years pouring into, and laughing with, and showing them ways to find Jesus, and making memories. I looked into the faces of 14 girls that I had just wounded and disappointed and confused. I hugged them all, told them I loved them and that I am still their friend, and I left with the heaviest heart I ever had. I got in the car and text the majority of the parents to inform them too. Most of them knew me and my heart and responded with the most loving and thankful messages, and communicated that they knew I wouldn't be leaving unless I had to. I was so thankful for their grace and for the willingness to look at my history and my character, and not that moment that I gave some vague explanation as to why I was leaving which really answered none of their questions. There was one parent that chose to make me feel badly and selfish for that decision. I can't blame them, I understood, but was also unwilling to change my stance on sharing my grievances with the church. That has always been my stance. It always will be.
At the end of the day, my choice was to potentially ruin the girls relationship with me or to potentially ruin their relationship the church. I made the decision, along side of my co-leader, that their relationship with the church was more important. Not just THAT church, but their relationship with the capital C church for their whole life. And to be totally honest, I needed to protect my relationship with Jesus and the church, because that was at risk at this time. I made the right choice, and I know that, but there were so many people that were wounded in this decision. So many people. Leadership was not anywhere near my decisions. I was on my own to figure this out again. To send the right message to the girls, and support the church and the ministry that was not standing with me. I was very, very bitter in this time. I never wanted to see these leaders ever again, and I think they were just as happy to not have to deal with me ever again. I wish I could say that I felt relief from doing the right thing, and I eventually did, but the moment that I had to look them in their face and say goodbye prematurely is still one of those moments that aches when I think back on it. It was not fair. It did not feel just. But I made the right choice. I am not going to get a medal for that. Most people wont know how difficult that choice was. I will likely look like a flake to most people. But that is not and was not my heart. I have learned that the people that truly know my heart and my character already know that.
I don't know how to wrap this chapter up (literally and figuratively). It still feels unfinished to me. It is still unfolding. There are things I still wish I was a part of. People I wish I could sit in front of and spill my guts to. And honestly, probably people I have said too much to already. But at the end of the day, my decision stands. I would choose it again if I was faced with it. If there was more support from leadership, more of a pathway to help me stay, to help me process through some of it, I may have been able to make it work. I don't know that because it wasn't offered to me. In my conversation that I had a year later, I shared that. I felt heard in that.
I guess I will end with saying this part sucked. So much. All of it. I wish it didn't end this way. But it did and we all have to work through that ending as it is, not as we hoped it to be.
Questions
I have to be honest, I didn't have the questions to ask here for a very long time. I am still asking and answering questions in this space.
Quote
Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse. - Phillip Yancey
Song
"You hold it all together" by All Sons & Daughters
I took a few weeks off from church - maybe even months. I got up on Sunday mornings feeling totally confused about what to do with the first half of my day. Barring some other obligation or being out of town, I went to church every single Sunday. But in the process of leaving my church, I couldn't walk into that building. I tried watching online a few times, but it only made me feel like the things I hated about walking into the physical building had invaded my safe space. So, I stopped going. I stopped watching. It was on the forefront of my mind always that I needed to be careful of that. I needed to be careful to not allow my hurt and fear and bitterness to make the decision that it was too risky to give church another go. All the while understanding that I needed to take a break and de-program my thoughts about church. I was grieving the loss of my church and everything that came with it, but still trying to hold on to the last piece of the church that I hadn't made a decision on. My small group. I had been with them since they were freshmen.This would be their senior year. I needed to figure out a way to stick with this for one more year without walking away from them. This was shortly after their junior year had concluded so I had the summer to really make that decision. I had communicated to leadership that I was leaving the church but that I needed some time to figure out what I was going to do with my small group for their senior year. I shared that I didn't feel like I had a choice in leaving and that I needed to heal from this situation and did not think I could do that in my current church environment. Not a single person included in that communication responded or reached out to me in any way after that. A month later I received a text thanking me for a card I had written and a vague "hope you are well". I responded with a message that I was not well and did not hear anything again for another two months. At the time, I was so angry. I was so hurt. At them, because of them. I was trying so hard to find a way to be emotionally healthy enough to lead a group of girls to know Jesus better, to build community, and to be involved in a church that I dreaded walking into.
That summer may have been the height of my anger in this process. I don't think I have ever said the F word more in my life. It came out of my mouth constantly. I was effing mad at everyone and everything. I knew I needed to be in a space that would breed healing and a softening of my heart, but I dreaded any part of going to my church. So I decided to try some other churches. Can I just say, there is nothing worse than "shopping" for churches. Small churches specifically. Everyone knows you are new. And I kept forgetting to wear my "Hey everyone, I left my church and I don't need a handshake or a hug from you. I would like for you to pretend I don't exist so that I can move through the emotions of being in a church setting that is unfamiliar and feels betraying in my heart. So please leave me alone" shirt. I was forced into some awkward, fake conversations. Luckily, I had a precious friend that was also looking for a church at the time and sat next to me every. single. week. I cannot even tell you the safety that gave me in this process. I cried every single time I went into church, my old church and every new church, for an entire year. Every single week. I just cried for all of worship. I had absolutely no control over it. My grief and my heart was so heavy. I have found Jesus in worship for my whole life. So the second the environment lent itself to leading me in worship, I cried for all of it. Sometimes a few tears would escape my eyes as I let the music and lyrics wash over me. I didn't sing those days. Sometimes it was a weep from the core of me. An uncontrollable weep that took all of my energy. I sang through my tears those days. I would leave feeling so angry that I couldn't control my emotions and so relieved that I couldn't control the release that was forced out of me. You would think that after a few weeks of this, it would stop. Nope. Some weeks it was worse than the last. I felt SO much shame about this. I felt like I was so weak and needed to get some control over this. And that was my prayer. To be able to get my emotions in check. At some point, I gave up the desire to control it. Not willingly, I just didn't have the control anymore.
That seems so simple, but it was terrifying to not have an end date on this grief. But there was certainly power in just being the girl that cries every week, until I wasn't. I didn't know when I would be the girl that didn't cry every week, but I would be the girl that did cry every week until then. Friends, I hated it. I HATED IT! It was horrifying, embarrassing, and honestly, not really appropriate, even in a church setting. But please hear me. I am so glad I stopped controlling my outward expression of my grief. I truly don't think I would be walking in the healing I have now if I didn't allow myself to unravel in a place where I found Jesus. Had I not let the words of a worship song wash over me in the most raw and painful way. Here is the thing. Jesus meets us where we are at and asks nothing of us and everything of us, all at once. By simply showing up, in whatever state I was in was enough. But he took everything that I was and started the slow process of my healing. That is not because I went to a physical building. That was my journey, that was what I needed. I needed the discipline of showing up every week - with nothing and with everything. I didn't have the discipline, or the strength really, to stay in that moment outside of the structure of church. I am certain there were people in my life that could not handle my extreme emotions. If I was on the outside of this situation, I would have likely said the words "get it together" in response to how often I cried. I am sure people felt this way about me. And I do not blame them. I just don't care about that opinion anymore. Because I was rescued through this. I was drowning in a sea of emotions and Jesus showed up every week to rescue me. I will never apologize for that. I needed it to be Jesus. It couldn't be a person- a leader, a friend, or my family. I am thankful for the people that did show up, like my sweet friend that never even addressed how I cried every week. She just let me be the girl who cries. I am so thankful for her. But I couldn't allow responses and situations rescue me or I would be treading water for my whole life and I was exhausted. It had to be Jesus. It was Jesus.
I am sure you are dying to know if I made it through with my girls for their senior year, right? I did not. I went back for the first week of their senior year, still without a single conversation from anyone in the ministry, and thought I was going to throw up. I knew I did not have the help to get through this year without permanently damaging these girls view of the church. I had a co-leader that is my dear friend and has walked through this journey with me for years, and has been a voice of reason and love for me in this process. The goal was to give it six weeks and reevaluate together. I made it one week and we both knew it was the right thing for me to do to step down. We talked about how we would tell the girls, the impact that it would have on so many people, and when the right time to do it was. I prayed and begged for a way to stay. Just one more year, God, please. Give me the strength for one more year. That was an unanswered prayer. So, I went in, their second week, and gave them very, very minimal information as to why I was leaving, and made sure that I explained how important being part of church and community was, all while keeping silent about that being the very thing that had destroyed me. I knew it to be true, I just couldn't live that out in that moment. We all cried. I looked in the face of 14 girls that I loved, and spent three years pouring into, and laughing with, and showing them ways to find Jesus, and making memories. I looked into the faces of 14 girls that I had just wounded and disappointed and confused. I hugged them all, told them I loved them and that I am still their friend, and I left with the heaviest heart I ever had. I got in the car and text the majority of the parents to inform them too. Most of them knew me and my heart and responded with the most loving and thankful messages, and communicated that they knew I wouldn't be leaving unless I had to. I was so thankful for their grace and for the willingness to look at my history and my character, and not that moment that I gave some vague explanation as to why I was leaving which really answered none of their questions. There was one parent that chose to make me feel badly and selfish for that decision. I can't blame them, I understood, but was also unwilling to change my stance on sharing my grievances with the church. That has always been my stance. It always will be.
At the end of the day, my choice was to potentially ruin the girls relationship with me or to potentially ruin their relationship the church. I made the decision, along side of my co-leader, that their relationship with the church was more important. Not just THAT church, but their relationship with the capital C church for their whole life. And to be totally honest, I needed to protect my relationship with Jesus and the church, because that was at risk at this time. I made the right choice, and I know that, but there were so many people that were wounded in this decision. So many people. Leadership was not anywhere near my decisions. I was on my own to figure this out again. To send the right message to the girls, and support the church and the ministry that was not standing with me. I was very, very bitter in this time. I never wanted to see these leaders ever again, and I think they were just as happy to not have to deal with me ever again. I wish I could say that I felt relief from doing the right thing, and I eventually did, but the moment that I had to look them in their face and say goodbye prematurely is still one of those moments that aches when I think back on it. It was not fair. It did not feel just. But I made the right choice. I am not going to get a medal for that. Most people wont know how difficult that choice was. I will likely look like a flake to most people. But that is not and was not my heart. I have learned that the people that truly know my heart and my character already know that.
I don't know how to wrap this chapter up (literally and figuratively). It still feels unfinished to me. It is still unfolding. There are things I still wish I was a part of. People I wish I could sit in front of and spill my guts to. And honestly, probably people I have said too much to already. But at the end of the day, my decision stands. I would choose it again if I was faced with it. If there was more support from leadership, more of a pathway to help me stay, to help me process through some of it, I may have been able to make it work. I don't know that because it wasn't offered to me. In my conversation that I had a year later, I shared that. I felt heard in that.
I guess I will end with saying this part sucked. So much. All of it. I wish it didn't end this way. But it did and we all have to work through that ending as it is, not as we hoped it to be.
Questions
I have to be honest, I didn't have the questions to ask here for a very long time. I am still asking and answering questions in this space.
- What spaces or situations have you felt like was the right thing for you to remove yourself? Did you actually do it?
- If so, what bitterness and disappointment came from that?
- If not, what were reasons to stay? Were they the right ones?
- What disciplines do you need to build around your healing process? Ya know the ones that keep you moving through it - even when it feels all-consuming? For me, it was showing up to some church and crying the whole time. What are yours?
- What part of this, what parts of you hurts too much to put words to it? I know there can be knots inside of you that won't allow you to find words that match up with your emotions. But try. Just try. Maybe you will fail the first time, and the second, or a lot of times. But keep trying. You can deal with what is in the light. You can process that. You can heal from that. If you need help with that, might I suggest you find a worship night somewhere and be the person that cries... until you aren't.
- Where have you made the right choice even when it feels horrible? Be proud of that. Stand firm in that. The right choice doesn't always feel good. It matters though.
"Lord, if it's
you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he
said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward
Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried
out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught
him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Matthew 14:30 -31
Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse. - Phillip Yancey
Song
"You hold it all together" by All Sons & Daughters
It feels like an ocean of sorrow is under my skin
Even the ocean eventually meets with the sand
Sorrow on sorrow, I'm waiting
Heavy I'm anticipating
Trusting the current, will carry me
We come with great expectations, and fears in our hearts
Send us Your light, as we're making our way through the dark
All of the earlier troubles
Chaos and pain they unravel
Looking ahead we rejoice in You
Like a stone, in the wasteland
I was useless, until You
Lifted high, in Your mercy
Out of sorrow and made new
Oh this mind, it can't measure
All Your favors in this world
So we shout in adoration
Holy, holy are You Lord
You are my strength
You are my song
You are my salvation
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
Even the ocean eventually meets with the sand
Sorrow on sorrow, I'm waiting
Heavy I'm anticipating
Trusting the current, will carry me
We come with great expectations, and fears in our hearts
Send us Your light, as we're making our way through the dark
All of the earlier troubles
Chaos and pain they unravel
Looking ahead we rejoice in You
Like a stone, in the wasteland
I was useless, until You
Lifted high, in Your mercy
Out of sorrow and made new
Oh this mind, it can't measure
All Your favors in this world
So we shout in adoration
Holy, holy are You Lord
You are my strength
You are my song
You are my salvation
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
You hold it all together
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