10. Value

I have devised plans, set tangible and intangible goals, forged forgiveness, and pretended to be past all of this. It worked perfectly! Just kidding. Moving on has been one of the most difficult things I have ever walked through. As soon as I thought I had moved past a portion of this or that I had forgiven any number of the people that were at the center of my wound, my grief would show up at the very worst time. Ya know, when I was walking through a store, at a game night, or driving anywhere that left me with a moment to think. I would be hit with a wave of grief that was so betraying to all of the work I had done to move past this and to be better. Some days I recognized it for what it was and quickly chose to not allow it to bury me, and some days it took me a few days to pull myself out of the fetal position and resume my regular programming. For a long time, I would wake up in the morning and dip my toe in the water of emotions to see where we were gonna land that day. As if it weren't up to me at all. And some days I look back and see the healing that was so gradual, and so great, that I didn't see it happening in everyday life. But it happened. Little by little, it chipped away at the boulder in my heart. I think I had always expected true healing to happen in this radical and defining moment. One that I could point back to and say on this day, I felt released from the pain that had held me in place for so long. That has not ever happened for me, in any trial. So why would I think it would happen for this? Because that was my hope. I hoped to be able to close my eyes and miss the hard parts. To wake up and have it all behind me. It is the same reason that I chose to lay in bed at the height of my depression. Why I shut everyone out. Why ugliness spilled out constantly. Why I wished that others that contributed to me feeling this way would suffer just a portion of what I was going through. Because I wasn't able to fix it with a smile and a good attitude. Putting my best foot forward, choosing integrity, and allowing God to be my defender didn't matter one bit. I was grasping at the right thing to do in vain and every single time that doing the right thing didn't matter, I resented the notion of doing the right thing a little bit more. I resented people that couldn't or wouldn't do the right thing. It even stunted my ability to celebrate and be grateful for those that did do the right thing. I kept them at an arms length as I was certain they would be given the opportunity to roll over on us and they would take it. People proved me wrong and showed up in such a big way. But they weren't as loud as the people that didn't. I laid my focus on the people that wounded me and let me down. Willing them to rise up. Begging them to fix a wound that they planted, but one that I allowed to slowly take root and steal the beauty out of my life. If you keep tending to the dead flowers in your garden instead of the healthy ones, you know - the ones that have proven their beauty and growth and longevity, you will end up with a pile of dirt that will never allow any good thing to grow. It took me a really long time to learn that. And just like most difficult things in my life, it wasn't exactly voluntary.

I really started to think about what would determine if and when I was past this. What defining factor, what level of restoration, how many people I had forgiven. I needed to weigh if I found joy in more moments than pain. If I prayed for people more than hoping for their demise. I was trying to figure out some check points for myself to a) verify that I was doing the right thing and b) find hope to keep going. There just wasn't a roadmap. None. The moments that I got to hear the stories from other people that had been through something similar had been so comforting. It helped me to feel less alone. But it didn't come with instructions to be and feel better. It wasn't until I chose, in everything, to respond like Jesus. That means in grace for myself. I never even thought about how much guilt and pressure I had put on myself in this scenario. Every time I responded to someone in an unloving manner, every time I looked at a time frame and thought I should be past something. Every time I wasn't able to hold it together to remain in another part of the church. Every time I was angry and hurt by someones actions and reactions. All of it made me feel like I was not enough. I could not give enough, and certainly anything that I had done was not enough. Please hear this with an open mind and open heart. It isn't enough. I am never going to be enough to make everything right. I am never going to be enough for every person around me to stand up and acknowledge my value. And now I understand that they do not assign my value. For my whole life, the church has sent a message to me that I am only as good as the leader(s) of a church tell me that I am. And if I had that blessing, I was safe. THAT IS NOT TRUE. Not any part of it. If you are finding your value in the affirmation of anyone, particularly a church leader, you are in an unhealthy situation. It is OK to gather encouragement and direction from someone that you respect and look up to, but they cannot hold the power to give life or death to you on any given day.

I urge you to spend some time and acknowledge where you are getting your validation from. It so very easy and wildly dangerous to mistake a leaders validation for the voice of Jesus. We should be seeking and finding our value in worth in the one that assigned it to us from the day we are created. Those are the things that are true and constant.


Questions

• What parameters or measures do you build into your grief? When you say " If could just..." or "I will feel better when..." how are you finishing those statements? How does that change from situation to situation? If I had to guess, based on personal experience, this is a pretty arbitrary measurement and it will likely not contain any sort of sustainable value. Identify that and CHANGE that narrative. One of the most difficult things to do is to fully feel your grief until you don't anymore. That is the measure. Don't be passive in that, but also, do not control it.
• Who do you allow to assign your value? The list here could be endless, but at any given moment in my life, there was at least one person to whom I gave that power. Who are you giving that power to?
• More specifically,, what leaders, mentors, or "heroes" do you give power to build or break you? What false authority have you given people with a title to define YOUR value. They may carry a weight that feels heavier than others, but at the end of the day, you invite and allow that into your life. Who have you thrown up on a pedestal and begged for them to appreciate you and allowed them to assign value?

Scripture
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

Quotes
 If we live for the praise of people we will die by its absence.- Craig Groeschel


Song
All He Says I Am

I am all He says I am
I am all He says I am
An He says I am His own

Chains are broken
Scales are on the floor
Truth is spoken
I'm no orphan anymore

I am loved
I am new again
I am free
I'm no slave to sin
I'm saint
I am righteousness
I'm alive