11. Grace to fail
Remember when I talked about my top five strengths according to StrengthQuest? I am sure you wrote them down and when you look back at your notes you will recall that "adaptability" is one of them. Adaptability. Which means "the quality of being able to adjust to new conditions". I would like to submit for the record that this cannot POSSIBLY be true. I took this assessment as part of a professional development activity and when I sat with my boss (the best boss I've EVER, EVER had - and my friend to this day) I told him that I couldn't think of something that was a) less true of me and b) one of my biggest weaknesses. Not to mention that it kind of contradicts the whole restorative strength which is defined with certainty that I enjoy bringing things back to life. Meaning, I am not trying to move on from something, I am trying to breathe life into the things that have died before my very eyes because I can't even consider the idea of something different. At the time I took the assessment I was in the middle of a personal relationship that I had ended, but I could not move past the restorative part of me to embrace the adaptable part of me. I was holding onto things at work that seemed to need just a little more TLC that I refused to give up on until someone told me I absolutely had to. I struggled emotionally and professionally in this space. So I sat in an office with my boss and asked him how those two things could possibly co-exist. When I tell you I could not understand it, I don't mean that I was sure it was there and I couldn't see it. I truly meant that I believed only one of those things could exist and my subconscious was going to be the deciding factor of this. This conflict brought out so many insecurities in me and in so many spaces that I existed.
My boss proceeded to not only give me examples of how I had triumphed change in my last year, but how I was able to do that while existing among the rest of my strengths. Let me give you some of the examples he gave me, not to say "hey, everyone, look how good I did", but to explain why I didn't see them and how damaging that was to me.
I have always been petrified of public speaking. From a very early age I would fake a sickness on any day that I had to speak publicly and gladly take the failing grade. GLADLY. I took a new position at work that essentially required a large level of presentation skills hoping that I could fake my way through it. Let's just fast forward to the point in time when my boss asked me days before I was traveling to our annual conference if I would present. I was at a crossroad. He had poured SO much time and energy into getting me ready for this moment and had the utmost of confidence in me and I wanted to show him that it mattered. But, I was not any closer to feeling comfortable speaking in public. So at like 5:00 pm on a Friday. when we were leaving on at 5:00 am on a Monday, I responded to his request with a very timid "sure". I spent the weekend trying to figure out how I could call in sick to my presentation. I literally hoped and prayed that the stomach bug would come for me. Lord, please make me violently throw up. No such luck. I was so busy at our 4-day conference that I did not have a whole lot of time to a) prepare or b) spend a lot of time worrying about it. The day before my presentation, I fell down the stairs and tore ligaments in my ankle. FINALLY, my prayers were answered. (This was not on purpose, I am hopelessly clumsy) Turns out, a twisted ankle does not affect your ability to teach a room full of people. I literally had no way out of this. An hour before my presentation, I sat in a room with my boss, with ice on my ankle, a bad attitude, and a fear that was as big as that room. He ignored all of those things and walked through my presentation with me. He gave me pointers and made me focus on my content. As we were moving into the room where I would be presenting, he pulled me aside and said some of the most formative things I have ever heard to this day. He said "I believe in you. I know you are going to kill this presentation. But, if you don't want to do this, I will do it for you. I wont be mad about it or disappointed in you. But I know you can do this. You are the only one who doesn't think so." And in that moment I decided to do it. I decided that I could do it. I decided that I was not going to keep searching for reasons to not do it. I got up, limped to the front of the room, presented, and did not die. I want you to catch the subtle power that was given to me that day.
The grace to fail.
The willingness to see my fear and not speak to that, but to speak to the skill and strength that was within me.
The ability to see myself fully and not the me that was reacting out of insecurity, fear, and stubbornness.
That has changed the way I show up to my own life. It has changed the way I show up for people.
It was one of the most challenging points of my career. When I sat in an office with my boss struggling to understand how adaptability had invaded my very nice and accurate list of strengths, he reminded me of moments like that. The ones that I could have said no to but still chose to put my yes on the table. I had always defined those pain points as a crippling weakness. When something feels difficult it can feel like you aren't doing well at it. Every area of discomfort and pain in my life illuminated things I was not doing well, when I should have paused and seen the level of tenacity in which I operate. It is not the ACT of being adaptable, it's the willingness to show up and put your yes on the table and see where that is going to land. Every opportunity I have had to do that has brought me so much discomfort, but it has changed me from the inside out.
I may never be "good" at the whole adaptability thing, but I will always show up for it.
When the time came for me to adapt in this situation with the church, I was in that room with a bad attitude, full of fear, and a wounded heart. God, I was not ready for this. I am not ready for this. The risk felt too great to move out of the "comfort" I had existed in for the last 10 years. But I don't think Jesus wanted me to be ready or comfortable to move on, I think he just needed me to be willing to. I was pretty unwilling for a long time. I wanted to restore what was appearing dead. And in my haughtiness and pride-filled moments, I thought the only way to do that was by staying exactly the same and putting myself in the center of that situation. I allowed my fear to keep me in a place that was so unhealthy for me because it was familiar and felt less scary than the unknown. I refused to allow healing to take place if I wasn't at the center.
This change in my life was more painful than I could ever find words to express. There are still days where I cry out alone or to a friend wondering when the lingering heartache will go away. I think about what I could have or should have done, what I wish others could or would have done. I spend hours building a better story and then I spend many more hours disappointed with the reality that is. I know that isn't healthy or helpful. But I still do it. I want this to be a better story. I want this to be something that I can say, "I am so thankful for this hurt and this betrayal", and maybe one day I will. Um, it is certainly not today. But what I do think is healthy and important here is that I at least acknowledge that I did not die. This did not kill me. I have lived another day. Most days there is a smidge of hope and healing that might be too small to see for the day, but holistically, it is pretty big. It would be foolish of me to not acknowledge the newness that comes from letting go of the old. The strength that comes from moving into a place that terrifies you - a place where there is real potential for you to fail. Give yourself the grace to fail from time to time. Surround yourself with people that root for you and remind you in the center of your fear that you are going to kill this - and that you are the only person that truly thinks you are going to fail.
Questions
Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. John 1:16
Quote
Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. - Tony Robbins
Song
"Yes I Will" by Vertical Church
My boss proceeded to not only give me examples of how I had triumphed change in my last year, but how I was able to do that while existing among the rest of my strengths. Let me give you some of the examples he gave me, not to say "hey, everyone, look how good I did", but to explain why I didn't see them and how damaging that was to me.
I have always been petrified of public speaking. From a very early age I would fake a sickness on any day that I had to speak publicly and gladly take the failing grade. GLADLY. I took a new position at work that essentially required a large level of presentation skills hoping that I could fake my way through it. Let's just fast forward to the point in time when my boss asked me days before I was traveling to our annual conference if I would present. I was at a crossroad. He had poured SO much time and energy into getting me ready for this moment and had the utmost of confidence in me and I wanted to show him that it mattered. But, I was not any closer to feeling comfortable speaking in public. So at like 5:00 pm on a Friday. when we were leaving on at 5:00 am on a Monday, I responded to his request with a very timid "sure". I spent the weekend trying to figure out how I could call in sick to my presentation. I literally hoped and prayed that the stomach bug would come for me. Lord, please make me violently throw up. No such luck. I was so busy at our 4-day conference that I did not have a whole lot of time to a) prepare or b) spend a lot of time worrying about it. The day before my presentation, I fell down the stairs and tore ligaments in my ankle. FINALLY, my prayers were answered. (This was not on purpose, I am hopelessly clumsy) Turns out, a twisted ankle does not affect your ability to teach a room full of people. I literally had no way out of this. An hour before my presentation, I sat in a room with my boss, with ice on my ankle, a bad attitude, and a fear that was as big as that room. He ignored all of those things and walked through my presentation with me. He gave me pointers and made me focus on my content. As we were moving into the room where I would be presenting, he pulled me aside and said some of the most formative things I have ever heard to this day. He said "I believe in you. I know you are going to kill this presentation. But, if you don't want to do this, I will do it for you. I wont be mad about it or disappointed in you. But I know you can do this. You are the only one who doesn't think so." And in that moment I decided to do it. I decided that I could do it. I decided that I was not going to keep searching for reasons to not do it. I got up, limped to the front of the room, presented, and did not die. I want you to catch the subtle power that was given to me that day.
The grace to fail.
The willingness to see my fear and not speak to that, but to speak to the skill and strength that was within me.
The ability to see myself fully and not the me that was reacting out of insecurity, fear, and stubbornness.
That has changed the way I show up to my own life. It has changed the way I show up for people.
It was one of the most challenging points of my career. When I sat in an office with my boss struggling to understand how adaptability had invaded my very nice and accurate list of strengths, he reminded me of moments like that. The ones that I could have said no to but still chose to put my yes on the table. I had always defined those pain points as a crippling weakness. When something feels difficult it can feel like you aren't doing well at it. Every area of discomfort and pain in my life illuminated things I was not doing well, when I should have paused and seen the level of tenacity in which I operate. It is not the ACT of being adaptable, it's the willingness to show up and put your yes on the table and see where that is going to land. Every opportunity I have had to do that has brought me so much discomfort, but it has changed me from the inside out.
I may never be "good" at the whole adaptability thing, but I will always show up for it.
When the time came for me to adapt in this situation with the church, I was in that room with a bad attitude, full of fear, and a wounded heart. God, I was not ready for this. I am not ready for this. The risk felt too great to move out of the "comfort" I had existed in for the last 10 years. But I don't think Jesus wanted me to be ready or comfortable to move on, I think he just needed me to be willing to. I was pretty unwilling for a long time. I wanted to restore what was appearing dead. And in my haughtiness and pride-filled moments, I thought the only way to do that was by staying exactly the same and putting myself in the center of that situation. I allowed my fear to keep me in a place that was so unhealthy for me because it was familiar and felt less scary than the unknown. I refused to allow healing to take place if I wasn't at the center.
This change in my life was more painful than I could ever find words to express. There are still days where I cry out alone or to a friend wondering when the lingering heartache will go away. I think about what I could have or should have done, what I wish others could or would have done. I spend hours building a better story and then I spend many more hours disappointed with the reality that is. I know that isn't healthy or helpful. But I still do it. I want this to be a better story. I want this to be something that I can say, "I am so thankful for this hurt and this betrayal", and maybe one day I will. Um, it is certainly not today. But what I do think is healthy and important here is that I at least acknowledge that I did not die. This did not kill me. I have lived another day. Most days there is a smidge of hope and healing that might be too small to see for the day, but holistically, it is pretty big. It would be foolish of me to not acknowledge the newness that comes from letting go of the old. The strength that comes from moving into a place that terrifies you - a place where there is real potential for you to fail. Give yourself the grace to fail from time to time. Surround yourself with people that root for you and remind you in the center of your fear that you are going to kill this - and that you are the only person that truly thinks you are going to fail.
Questions
- In what area of your life do you need the grace to fail? Not permission to be lazy or to be a jerk, but what is fear holding you back from? Perhaps you don't need more strength to power through, but maybe you need the grace to fail.
- Who can you be encouraging in vulnerable moments? Who do you know that is at the edge of putting their yes on the table and just needs a cheerleader and a soft place to land?
- What have you assigned to yourself as a weakness that can actually be one of your greatest strengths?
Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. John 1:16
Quote
Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. - Tony Robbins
Song
"Yes I Will" by Vertical Church
I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won't fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who's never late
Is working all things out
Is working all things out
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won't fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who's never late
Is working all things out
Is working all things out
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Oh, yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
For all my days, oh yes I will
For all my days, oh yes, I will
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
For all my days, oh yes I will
For all my days, oh yes, I will
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