3. Middle Child Syndrome
Do you know what middle child syndrome is?
Middle child syndrome is the belief that middle children are excluded, ignored, or even outright neglected because of their birth order. Some children may have certain personality and relationship characteristics as a result of being the middle child.
I am a middle child in birth order and in personality. I have a letter that my parents returned to me a few years ago where I ramble on and on and on about my sister being the oldest and getting to do everything first and how my brother is the baby and everyone loves him more. How I was just forgotten and ignored. Was this true of my childhood? No. No, it was not. I was (and still am) the most dramatic human in all of the world. Even back then, I was much better at writing down my feelings than speaking them out loud. So, in this letter (I think I was 9 at the time), The entire outside border was riddled with the word "WHY?" in various colors. Why? BECAUSE I AM DRAMATIC, OK? The point of my letter was to tell them I was running away. I needed to go somewhere that I appreciated me. So, I packed a book and stormed out my door for greater pastures. I had planned on my mother running down the driveway shouting "please don't leave!" "you're the best one we have!" "we will never be nicer to the other kids" She would obviously be sobbing, struggling to get the words out faster than she could speak. I pictured my dad, a man of few words, just mustering up the words "we are sorry. please come home." Then, I would give them a few conditions before offering the privilege of living with me again and we would all go back in the house with a new lease on life and tell my siblings that there was a new sheriff in town. So I left and got all the way to the end of the driveway - and you are not going to believe this - no one came after me. All I had was that one book in that suitcase. I didn't have a plan B. The exact way that I envisioned their come to Jesus moment was the only way it could possibly play out. I genuinely can't recall what happened after that, but it is pretty likely that my parents burst out laughing at me, or better yet, continued laughing at me before one or both of them scooped me up and between their giggles reminded me that I was fully loved. I mean, what else can you do with a child that was as dramatic as me? You may be reading this thinking I was truly neglected and not seen by my parents. I gave them absolutely no choice but to see me all day, everyday. My sister got a perm and I wanted one, so naturally I wrapped all of that up in the guise of being neglected. At any rate, I got a perm out of that stunt, which was the whole point anyway :)
I can't remember when I stopped believing that I wouldn't even make it to the end of the driveway without someone chasing after me. I can't remember when true heartache changed me to be the person that didn't believe I was worth the trip to the end of the driveway. I can't remember when I made the decision, whether consciously or subconsciously, that people are not inherently good. But I did. I stopped dreaming of wonderful things. I stopped believing that people would scoop me up and remind me that I am fully loved.
This slowly but surely changed how I responded to people. In my teenage years, I just wanted to be broken. I wanted to be messy. I felt more at home in my own skin that way. I felt like I could better operate in the brokenness than to be awaiting brokenness. Every decision I made was rooted in feeling better momentarily. There was not a long term decision that I even considered making. At the end of my sophomore year I started to make some positive changes. I eventually broke up with my boyfriend that was horrible to me and for me. I started getting involved in my youth group. I made a handful of healthy friendships. I started to want better for me. I was still quite a mess, but I was trying. We should probably just fast forward to that time Junior year when I took a pregnancy test and watched it instantly turn positive. The box tells you to check in a certain number of minutes, but mine instantly started showing positive.
Why is any of this important? Because these are experiences that defined me. The previous moments inform our brain and our heart how to respond. It is somewhat involuntary. Our emotions send triggers to help us cope in any given situation. It is human instinct. As a previously self -proclaimed doomsday damsel, I try to plan for anything that can require my emotional defense - whether or not the situation calls for it. Let's be real. Any situation that genuinely requires our emotional defense comes without warning, every time. So, the battle I am planning for looks nothing like the one that shows up. I wish I could tell my over- and under-prepared heart what a bunch of pointless and exhausting work this is. It is like planning every detail of your wedding, knowing exactly how to anticipate any pain points or roadblocks, and getting to the big day and then, and ONLY then, recognizing that it isn't a wedding at all, but a collegiate job fair. Nothing from your wedding translates here. (I can use this analogy because I am both unmarried and work in higher ed). All of that to say, you can plan for every detail of trauma and feel very safe, albeit a false safety. It does not, in any way, make you prepared for the grief or trauma that is headed your way. It just makes you exhausted from planning for something THAT ALREADY HAPPENED. You are operating out experience and assuming what is going to happen with a very limited view. I do this all of the time. Whatever has wounded me most tells the next story. This is so dangerous. This relies solely on personal, tunnel-visioned experience and, in large part, sets me up for failure. Your decisions and reactions need to point back to what is true. Not what made you feel good or bad in a moment. If I am being totally honest, I draw from both bad and good experiences to feel what I need in that moment. But so much of that is rooted in temporary. I am learning what is true and what is consistent to hang my hat on. You want to know what that is? Jesus. Always and forever, it is Jesus. He is unfailing, unchanging, unphased my emotions. He does not change. He changes ME. When I take root there, my emotions, my past, my wounds no longer get a say in my future - because that was already consumed at a cross for me. Do you see that? A God that loves me, that loves you, took all of that on so that you don't have to be buried with it. So, don't. CHOOSE not to. Call on his name. It is the core of who I am. And when I call on his name, I wake up the depths of my soul to write a different story.
Questions
But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. John 16:13
Quote
If you don't transform your pain, you will transmit your pain. - Rachel Hollis
Song
"When I Say Jesus" by Life.Church Worship
When I say Jesus
The very mention
Shatters the darkness
And calms my soul
When I say Jesus
Even a whisper
Breaks through my doubting
‘Til all my fear is gone
At the name of Jesus
Every fear is broken
Nothing now can hinder
Your love that never fades
I cannot escape it
I cannot erase it
I cannot deny it
You are here to stay
Middle child syndrome is the belief that middle children are excluded, ignored, or even outright neglected because of their birth order. Some children may have certain personality and relationship characteristics as a result of being the middle child.
I am a middle child in birth order and in personality. I have a letter that my parents returned to me a few years ago where I ramble on and on and on about my sister being the oldest and getting to do everything first and how my brother is the baby and everyone loves him more. How I was just forgotten and ignored. Was this true of my childhood? No. No, it was not. I was (and still am) the most dramatic human in all of the world. Even back then, I was much better at writing down my feelings than speaking them out loud. So, in this letter (I think I was 9 at the time), The entire outside border was riddled with the word "WHY?" in various colors. Why? BECAUSE I AM DRAMATIC, OK? The point of my letter was to tell them I was running away. I needed to go somewhere that I appreciated me. So, I packed a book and stormed out my door for greater pastures. I had planned on my mother running down the driveway shouting "please don't leave!" "you're the best one we have!" "we will never be nicer to the other kids" She would obviously be sobbing, struggling to get the words out faster than she could speak. I pictured my dad, a man of few words, just mustering up the words "we are sorry. please come home." Then, I would give them a few conditions before offering the privilege of living with me again and we would all go back in the house with a new lease on life and tell my siblings that there was a new sheriff in town. So I left and got all the way to the end of the driveway - and you are not going to believe this - no one came after me. All I had was that one book in that suitcase. I didn't have a plan B. The exact way that I envisioned their come to Jesus moment was the only way it could possibly play out. I genuinely can't recall what happened after that, but it is pretty likely that my parents burst out laughing at me, or better yet, continued laughing at me before one or both of them scooped me up and between their giggles reminded me that I was fully loved. I mean, what else can you do with a child that was as dramatic as me? You may be reading this thinking I was truly neglected and not seen by my parents. I gave them absolutely no choice but to see me all day, everyday. My sister got a perm and I wanted one, so naturally I wrapped all of that up in the guise of being neglected. At any rate, I got a perm out of that stunt, which was the whole point anyway :)
I can't remember when I stopped believing that I wouldn't even make it to the end of the driveway without someone chasing after me. I can't remember when true heartache changed me to be the person that didn't believe I was worth the trip to the end of the driveway. I can't remember when I made the decision, whether consciously or subconsciously, that people are not inherently good. But I did. I stopped dreaming of wonderful things. I stopped believing that people would scoop me up and remind me that I am fully loved.
This slowly but surely changed how I responded to people. In my teenage years, I just wanted to be broken. I wanted to be messy. I felt more at home in my own skin that way. I felt like I could better operate in the brokenness than to be awaiting brokenness. Every decision I made was rooted in feeling better momentarily. There was not a long term decision that I even considered making. At the end of my sophomore year I started to make some positive changes. I eventually broke up with my boyfriend that was horrible to me and for me. I started getting involved in my youth group. I made a handful of healthy friendships. I started to want better for me. I was still quite a mess, but I was trying. We should probably just fast forward to that time Junior year when I took a pregnancy test and watched it instantly turn positive. The box tells you to check in a certain number of minutes, but mine instantly started showing positive.
Why is any of this important? Because these are experiences that defined me. The previous moments inform our brain and our heart how to respond. It is somewhat involuntary. Our emotions send triggers to help us cope in any given situation. It is human instinct. As a previously self -proclaimed doomsday damsel, I try to plan for anything that can require my emotional defense - whether or not the situation calls for it. Let's be real. Any situation that genuinely requires our emotional defense comes without warning, every time. So, the battle I am planning for looks nothing like the one that shows up. I wish I could tell my over- and under-prepared heart what a bunch of pointless and exhausting work this is. It is like planning every detail of your wedding, knowing exactly how to anticipate any pain points or roadblocks, and getting to the big day and then, and ONLY then, recognizing that it isn't a wedding at all, but a collegiate job fair. Nothing from your wedding translates here. (I can use this analogy because I am both unmarried and work in higher ed). All of that to say, you can plan for every detail of trauma and feel very safe, albeit a false safety. It does not, in any way, make you prepared for the grief or trauma that is headed your way. It just makes you exhausted from planning for something THAT ALREADY HAPPENED. You are operating out experience and assuming what is going to happen with a very limited view. I do this all of the time. Whatever has wounded me most tells the next story. This is so dangerous. This relies solely on personal, tunnel-visioned experience and, in large part, sets me up for failure. Your decisions and reactions need to point back to what is true. Not what made you feel good or bad in a moment. If I am being totally honest, I draw from both bad and good experiences to feel what I need in that moment. But so much of that is rooted in temporary. I am learning what is true and what is consistent to hang my hat on. You want to know what that is? Jesus. Always and forever, it is Jesus. He is unfailing, unchanging, unphased my emotions. He does not change. He changes ME. When I take root there, my emotions, my past, my wounds no longer get a say in my future - because that was already consumed at a cross for me. Do you see that? A God that loves me, that loves you, took all of that on so that you don't have to be buried with it. So, don't. CHOOSE not to. Call on his name. It is the core of who I am. And when I call on his name, I wake up the depths of my soul to write a different story.
Questions
- What wound do you keep relying on to move forward? Trauma certainly has a way of holding us hostage, with our permission, of course. Don't allow previous wounds to hold you back from the greatness God has for you. That would be the tragedy. not what has already happened to you.
- What truth is consistent and not reliant upon your experience or emotion?
- To make the previous question easier, what is ONE truth that you know?
But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. John 16:13
Quote
If you don't transform your pain, you will transmit your pain. - Rachel Hollis
Song
"When I Say Jesus" by Life.Church Worship
When I say Jesus
The very mention
Shatters the darkness
And calms my soul
When I say Jesus
Even a whisper
Breaks through my doubting
‘Til all my fear is gone
At the name of Jesus
Every fear is broken
Nothing now can hinder
Your love that never fades
I cannot escape it
I cannot erase it
I cannot deny it
You are here to stay
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