9. Leadership
Leadership is a gift, it is a curse, it is calling, it is a burden, it
is a blessing. It is all of these things all at once. You do not have
to hold a title or position to be a leader, it is just who you are. But
much is expected of you when you are a leader. OOOFF.
So much of me is struggling to write this chapter. The parts of me that are equal parts grace and justice. The parts of me that are both logical and entitled. The parts of me that exist in brokenness and healing. The magnitude of leadership is all encompassing, One that I operate in confidence, ignorance, joy, and insecurity. You grow through leadership. But there are also those moments when you get a little cocky and think you are above mistakes. I would straight up be lying if I said that I hadn't landed here (and stayed for a while) when things were cruising right along. It is human nature. I began to believe that I was a better leader than others around me. I was a better mom, a better friend, a better employee. I allowed pride to penetrate so many areas of my life because it seemed that I was doing it well. And to be honest, I have done it well and purposefully in a lot of areas. I have chosen integrity in the face of conflict. I have personally sacrificed for the sake of others. But, LISTEN, it is really easy for me to get up on my soapbox in the peaks of life. But catch me in a valley? Find me in the middle of a trial? Take cover. Defensive Kelly operates completely different than the Kelly that made it to the mountain top. Defensive Kelly finds ALL of her previous hurts, gets them into a room, and devises a plan to survive. And you just never know what that looks like until you are faced with it. I have done a lot, like A LOT of work, to rewrite that reaction. I can confidently say that in most cases, I will respond with grace and love and humility. But every now and then, I forget that I am a leader, and I cower to a very old coping mechanism. A whole lot of forgetfulness covers me in this time. I forget that I am a leader with a lifetime of things I have overcome. I forget that my reaction is completely in my control. I forget that others are looking to me and my reaction is very loud. I forget that I am often held to a higher standard. That high standard has made me better. But it has also put me under a microscope. I've made choices that I am so proud of - no matter the outcome. But, as a leader, I have also made choices that hurt me and other people so deeply that I felt like I should be stripped of the title altogether.
There are probably 4-5 very haunting moments in my life where I have MISERABLY failed to be a good leader. I am not looking for anyone to tell me it is OK, or that I am forgiven, or that it isn't a big deal. I have a pretty good grasp on the reality of where I have failed in this area. Where I have failed people, and as a result of my failure to lead well in those moments, those people have faced their own confusion and brokenness. I do not get a free pass on that because I was well-intentioned. My action, or really in most situations, my lack of action, caused a hurt that not only wounded them but represented a much larger picture of Jesus that is very contradictory of who He truly is. I think about this often. How I could and should have done better and I pray my crappy moments aren't the lasting impressions of Jesus those people get. Gosh, WHAT a tragedy that would be. Yes, my failure to lead well is certainly a tragedy. An avoidable one at that. But the larger picture, the one where my words and actions failed to exemplify Jesus, carries consequences far beyond my failed moment(s). I have learned a lot from the times I have hurt other people and try to apply that to how I represent Jesus today. It is still not perfect, and it may never be, but I now know what it feels like to be a leader and make a choice that wounds someone else. I see the long-lasting effects that momentary indecision or emotional reactions can create. IT. IS. HORRIBLE.
I was talking to a friend not long ago about a spiritual leader who had reacted to someone in a very unloving manner. So many of us had put our hopes into that leader to represent Jesus well. It did not end up that way and it was so discouraging. But, listen... WE DO THIS SO OFTEN. We expect leaders to be flawless. To operate perfectly, say the right thing, act the right way, and add the weight of our hopes on their shoulders. Yes, as a leader, there is a standard of care and a level of integrity that is expected. But at the end of the day, everyone is a human with the chance of failing. Do the people that have experienced our failure deserve our weak moments? No, they do not. But there are some people that got the worst version of us for a countless number of reasons. Often times, there isn't even a way to reconcile this. Simple as I can say, we just messed up - and someone else suffers because of that. Even in the light of repentance and self reflection - you cannot take back those moments.
You know what is super damaging? Doing the wrong thing. I am sorry if that hurts - but I have done it and it has damaged people and I have been on the other side where I begged for people to do the right thing, so I feel like I can say that. But you know what is just as damaging, if not more so? Doing nothing. Often times, doing nothing is much louder than anything you could possibly say or do. Please do not forget this part about being a leader... YOU ARE A LEADER. That means that you lead. You create the space for someone to feel heard, to start healing, to direct them; you help them. Do not wait for someone that is waiting to be led to tell you they need to be led. Show up as a leader without being asked. This. Is. So. Important. Do not let your insecurity in your ability to lead mute the sound of the people that truly need you. Also, do not underestimate the power in the acknowledgement of a mistake and an apology. If you don't do it, who will?
The truth is, we can all say we will handle conflict, accusations, and unfamiliar scenarios in a loving and life-giving way. But you never truly know how you are going to respond to a situation that is dripping with fear and uncertainty until you are actually faced with it. You just show up. Whatever is inside of you shows up. Something I learned through some heartbreaking moments is how I show up. The core of who you are comes out at the peak of conflict. There is no more hiding behind good intentions. The depths of you just shows up. I have been both horrified and delighted with what has come out of me in these trying times. You have to identify the ugly and damaging things that show up and change them so they don't get another invitation to the crisis party. And the good parts? WATER THAT GARDEN. Keep all of those good and beautiful things at the forefront and in the depths of you.
All of that to say, I have learned how to be better because of my many, many failures. If I know that about myself, and I know where my intentions lie and how poorly I have executed that in the past, you would think I would have grace for those people that are in the same exact situation, right? Oh, how I wish that were true. But it is just a whole different experience when you are on the other side of the wound. A very detrimental contributing factor to this: when you have the expectation of a leader to be flawless. I know how hypocritical this is. I am still learning. I am still growing. A wounded heart can often stand before the rational thoughts as a way to protect the very precious place that has been mishandled.
Here is how I have reconciled all of this. Just as I have learned from making the wrong choice(s), I have to believe that those leaders that are on the other side of my hurt have learned from wounding me. I would love to believe that they all have. Ready for the truth? True leaders do. True leaders grow consistently. True leaders acknowledge their mistakes. True leaders show up despite how difficult it is. I have been a true leader, but I have also been someone that has made tragic mistakes that I cannot change. I truly want grace for those moments. But I certainly do not get to ask for grace if I am unwilling to give it.
When I am looking for a leader, I look for someone that is transparent, humble, honest, firm in their beliefs - malleable yet firm, consistent, and quick to apologize when they have done wrong. I look for leaders that show up in everyday life like this and one who holds me up in the middle of my storm like this. I strive to be all of those things, but I may fail from time to time. Again, if I expect grace in those areas, I'd better be giving that same grace out. I challenge you to do the same.
Questions
Scripture
Quote
You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you, making you spill your coffee everywhere. Why did you spill the coffee? You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. The point is whatever is inside the cup, is what will spill out. Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you (which will happen), whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to fake it, until you get rattled. So, we have to ask ourselves, “what’s in my cup?” When life gets tough, what spills out? You choose! -Author Unknown
Song
"So will I" by Hillsong Worship
God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die
-------
And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You've done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to saveIf You gave Your life to love them so will I
So much of me is struggling to write this chapter. The parts of me that are equal parts grace and justice. The parts of me that are both logical and entitled. The parts of me that exist in brokenness and healing. The magnitude of leadership is all encompassing, One that I operate in confidence, ignorance, joy, and insecurity. You grow through leadership. But there are also those moments when you get a little cocky and think you are above mistakes. I would straight up be lying if I said that I hadn't landed here (and stayed for a while) when things were cruising right along. It is human nature. I began to believe that I was a better leader than others around me. I was a better mom, a better friend, a better employee. I allowed pride to penetrate so many areas of my life because it seemed that I was doing it well. And to be honest, I have done it well and purposefully in a lot of areas. I have chosen integrity in the face of conflict. I have personally sacrificed for the sake of others. But, LISTEN, it is really easy for me to get up on my soapbox in the peaks of life. But catch me in a valley? Find me in the middle of a trial? Take cover. Defensive Kelly operates completely different than the Kelly that made it to the mountain top. Defensive Kelly finds ALL of her previous hurts, gets them into a room, and devises a plan to survive. And you just never know what that looks like until you are faced with it. I have done a lot, like A LOT of work, to rewrite that reaction. I can confidently say that in most cases, I will respond with grace and love and humility. But every now and then, I forget that I am a leader, and I cower to a very old coping mechanism. A whole lot of forgetfulness covers me in this time. I forget that I am a leader with a lifetime of things I have overcome. I forget that my reaction is completely in my control. I forget that others are looking to me and my reaction is very loud. I forget that I am often held to a higher standard. That high standard has made me better. But it has also put me under a microscope. I've made choices that I am so proud of - no matter the outcome. But, as a leader, I have also made choices that hurt me and other people so deeply that I felt like I should be stripped of the title altogether.
There are probably 4-5 very haunting moments in my life where I have MISERABLY failed to be a good leader. I am not looking for anyone to tell me it is OK, or that I am forgiven, or that it isn't a big deal. I have a pretty good grasp on the reality of where I have failed in this area. Where I have failed people, and as a result of my failure to lead well in those moments, those people have faced their own confusion and brokenness. I do not get a free pass on that because I was well-intentioned. My action, or really in most situations, my lack of action, caused a hurt that not only wounded them but represented a much larger picture of Jesus that is very contradictory of who He truly is. I think about this often. How I could and should have done better and I pray my crappy moments aren't the lasting impressions of Jesus those people get. Gosh, WHAT a tragedy that would be. Yes, my failure to lead well is certainly a tragedy. An avoidable one at that. But the larger picture, the one where my words and actions failed to exemplify Jesus, carries consequences far beyond my failed moment(s). I have learned a lot from the times I have hurt other people and try to apply that to how I represent Jesus today. It is still not perfect, and it may never be, but I now know what it feels like to be a leader and make a choice that wounds someone else. I see the long-lasting effects that momentary indecision or emotional reactions can create. IT. IS. HORRIBLE.
I was talking to a friend not long ago about a spiritual leader who had reacted to someone in a very unloving manner. So many of us had put our hopes into that leader to represent Jesus well. It did not end up that way and it was so discouraging. But, listen... WE DO THIS SO OFTEN. We expect leaders to be flawless. To operate perfectly, say the right thing, act the right way, and add the weight of our hopes on their shoulders. Yes, as a leader, there is a standard of care and a level of integrity that is expected. But at the end of the day, everyone is a human with the chance of failing. Do the people that have experienced our failure deserve our weak moments? No, they do not. But there are some people that got the worst version of us for a countless number of reasons. Often times, there isn't even a way to reconcile this. Simple as I can say, we just messed up - and someone else suffers because of that. Even in the light of repentance and self reflection - you cannot take back those moments.
You know what is super damaging? Doing the wrong thing. I am sorry if that hurts - but I have done it and it has damaged people and I have been on the other side where I begged for people to do the right thing, so I feel like I can say that. But you know what is just as damaging, if not more so? Doing nothing. Often times, doing nothing is much louder than anything you could possibly say or do. Please do not forget this part about being a leader... YOU ARE A LEADER. That means that you lead. You create the space for someone to feel heard, to start healing, to direct them; you help them. Do not wait for someone that is waiting to be led to tell you they need to be led. Show up as a leader without being asked. This. Is. So. Important. Do not let your insecurity in your ability to lead mute the sound of the people that truly need you. Also, do not underestimate the power in the acknowledgement of a mistake and an apology. If you don't do it, who will?
The truth is, we can all say we will handle conflict, accusations, and unfamiliar scenarios in a loving and life-giving way. But you never truly know how you are going to respond to a situation that is dripping with fear and uncertainty until you are actually faced with it. You just show up. Whatever is inside of you shows up. Something I learned through some heartbreaking moments is how I show up. The core of who you are comes out at the peak of conflict. There is no more hiding behind good intentions. The depths of you just shows up. I have been both horrified and delighted with what has come out of me in these trying times. You have to identify the ugly and damaging things that show up and change them so they don't get another invitation to the crisis party. And the good parts? WATER THAT GARDEN. Keep all of those good and beautiful things at the forefront and in the depths of you.
All of that to say, I have learned how to be better because of my many, many failures. If I know that about myself, and I know where my intentions lie and how poorly I have executed that in the past, you would think I would have grace for those people that are in the same exact situation, right? Oh, how I wish that were true. But it is just a whole different experience when you are on the other side of the wound. A very detrimental contributing factor to this: when you have the expectation of a leader to be flawless. I know how hypocritical this is. I am still learning. I am still growing. A wounded heart can often stand before the rational thoughts as a way to protect the very precious place that has been mishandled.
Here is how I have reconciled all of this. Just as I have learned from making the wrong choice(s), I have to believe that those leaders that are on the other side of my hurt have learned from wounding me. I would love to believe that they all have. Ready for the truth? True leaders do. True leaders grow consistently. True leaders acknowledge their mistakes. True leaders show up despite how difficult it is. I have been a true leader, but I have also been someone that has made tragic mistakes that I cannot change. I truly want grace for those moments. But I certainly do not get to ask for grace if I am unwilling to give it.
When I am looking for a leader, I look for someone that is transparent, humble, honest, firm in their beliefs - malleable yet firm, consistent, and quick to apologize when they have done wrong. I look for leaders that show up in everyday life like this and one who holds me up in the middle of my storm like this. I strive to be all of those things, but I may fail from time to time. Again, if I expect grace in those areas, I'd better be giving that same grace out. I challenge you to do the same.
Questions
- What do you value in a leader?
- Is there a leader in your life that you feel has failed you? What were the consequences of that failure?
- Where have you failed as a leader? Where could you use some grace?
- Where do you need to offer grace to someone that has wounded you?
Scripture
But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. Ephesians 5:13
Quote
You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you, making you spill your coffee everywhere. Why did you spill the coffee? You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea. The point is whatever is inside the cup, is what will spill out. Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you (which will happen), whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to fake it, until you get rattled. So, we have to ask ourselves, “what’s in my cup?” When life gets tough, what spills out? You choose! -Author Unknown
Song
"So will I" by Hillsong Worship
God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die
-------
And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You've done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to saveIf You gave Your life to love them so will I
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