6. Under Construction

I have been self-quarantined/social distancing for over 2 weeks now. I got sick 8 days ago. Today is the first day I feel like I am turning a corner and feeling human again. During my down time, all I did was watch TV and sleep. I didn’t read, I didn’t really pray, I didn’t reach out to others to check on them. I just slept, monitored my breathing, checked my temperature, and watched one trash television show after another. I kept thinking I would spend a lot of this time in prayer and in the bible, catching up on my podcasts, making some definitive plans for my future, writing this book, and getting back into serving at church. I did none of that. I will admit that I had no desire to do any of that. I was so exhausted mentally, emotionally, physically, and apparently – spiritually. The last 8 days have felt like the last year and a half finally catching up to me. Finally feeling forced to just be still. I’m not so good with still. I picture everything behind me, ahead of me, and all around me. And I feel like I have got to move, and quickly. So for the last 8 days I did nothing. And here is what I learned.

God is good, all the time. Even in the messy, He is in the middle. Even in the quiet, His words are true. Even in the heartache, He cries with us. Even in the confusing, scary, exhausting times that feel unending- He is good. I know that because I know Him. Not because He has answered every single one of my prayers. I have been devastated by unanswered prayers. But because I stopped praying for outcomes and started praying for direction. I stopped praying what was in my heart and started asking for His heart. I stopped trying to be the person that fixed everything and allowed myself to just be broken for as long as I needed to be broken (This one wasn’t as voluntary as I would have liked it to be). I watched the God that loves me, that cares for me, that died for me, slowly put me back together. Not back to who I was. Someone different. I got to see God from a whole new perspective, and I had to answer this question every single day. If this is the best your life will ever be, do you still choose Jesus? Is He still good? I am going to be unapologetically honest here. Some days my answer was I don’t know. I have a feeling that my future days might hold a few more I don’t know moments. That is OK. I believe the worst thing for me would be to feign belief. To be honest, I didn’t have it in me to do the whole “fake it until I make” it thing. And I am so thankful for that.

10 years ago, a family friend passed away. Suddenly and tragically. It was the first death in my life that truly had me questioning the existence of God. If He was real and He was good, why didn’t He stop this? Her dad spoke at her funeral and said these words that have been etched into my heart and soul since that day. While talking about his daughter being taken too soon, He said: I don’t agree with God, but I trust Him because I know Him. Read that again. This is a man who was broken and had every right to question God’s goodness. And He chose to trust the goodness of the God he knew over his own understanding. That is profound. I have been chasing that sort of faith since that day.

It is difficult to separate the outcome of a situation from the goodness of God. Really difficult. As I spend more time getting to know Jesus, the quicker my response of yes is to those questions. But, listen. He made us human. He didn’t make us void of emotion. Ask the tough questions. Spend time wrestling in the word and in prayer and healthy debates with friends that are also seeking the truth. The I don’t know moments give us the ability to figure out how to definitively answer that. I trust that God is good because I know him.

I am currently sitting outside on my patio, still quarantined, and looking at nothing but construction. Construction that has been the bane of my existence for 7 months now. The foundation for buildings have been poured, there are piles of dirt everywhere, and some standing water that has a faint, but toilet-esque fragrance to it. But this is the first time I have been able to sit outside for 8 days. I closed my eyes and just soaked up the warm 65-degree air, in March, in Western NY, as I sat here and took it all in. It’s OK to be under construction. The piles of dirt are messy, the murk is confusing, the noise is overwhelming. But it takes all of that to get a solid foundation. That takes a lot of time. I have been sick for 8 days. If I would have sat our here 9 days ago, I would have been annoyed and missed what God was trying to show me. I do not like the literal or figurative construction in my life. But there is a reason for it. Today I am able to see it a little clearer. So take a moment and think about what is broken down, messy, or a complete dumpster fire in your life. If this is the best your life will ever be, do you still choose Jesus? Is He still good? It is OK to answer that honestly. In fact, I think its pretty crucial to your relationship with Jesus to answer that honestly.

Tune in tomorrow when I hate the construction again. 

Questions

Today.... (just today)

• Is He still good?
• Do you still choose Jesus?
• What is prompting your answer? Fear or Faith?

Scripture
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

Quote
 A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. - John Augustus Shedd

Song 
"Take Courage" by Kristene DiMarco
Slow down, take time, Breath in He said
He'd reveal what's to come

The thoughts in His mind, Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come 

Take courage my heart, Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting, He's in the waiting

Hold onto your hope, As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing, He's never failing

Sing praise my soul, Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on

Do not forget, His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun

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And You who hold the stars
Who call them each by name
Will surely keep Your promise to me
That I will rise in Your victory