2. Starting
I have thought about sharing this for a long time. Like a really long time. There is a long list of reasons as to why there is a short list of people aware of my last year (or so), but in large part, my decision to stay quiet was to protect the church. The capital C church. While I am writing this right now, it still might not surface for quite some time. Because I truly want to be honest and honoring in my words and in my actions. That is a delicate balance in my experience. One that I have not quite mastered, but I am going to give it my best shot because I truly feel like someone in this world needs to hear about a person that has been deeply wounded by the leadership of a church and has chosen to remain unwavering in the support of the church (still talking capital C church here). I have come across a litany of people over the course of a year or so that have, for one reason or another, walked away from the church because of a wound that was never reconciled. It has broken my heart. It IS breaking my heart. Throughout this experience, I have prayed that God would show me what to take from this pain to help someone else get through it. Where I have landed is this:
Wounds created by church leadership have the ability to destroy our belief in the goodness of the church. And since so much of our belief in the goodness of Jesus is rooted and wrapped up in the goodness of the church, it becomes something we struggle to separate. There is a genuine pain that takes place at that point of separation, and it was certainly not one that I had prepared for.
Side bar: I am an absolute doomsday damsel (OK, maybe I'm too old to be a damsel, but whatever). I envision every terrible situation that could possibly happen and then add 3-5 things on top of that which could go wrong. I am always prepared for the worst. And I never saw this coming.
I will talk a little about this later on, but do you know what it does to a person that has been apocalypse prepping their whole life to be side swiped by something tragic? You feel totally betrayed by your own heart and mind. You start to become angry at yourself for not putting up additional, more durable walls in your life. Your pride rises up to remind you that you got duped; to remind you why you built this moat in the first place. This all happens within seconds and it terrorizes your heart and mind for months and years to come. The lingering pain of a betrayal can take every last ounce of energy and good faith in people that you could possible muster up and leaves you on the floor of your life, on your own, trying to figure out how you are possibly going to get up. Again.
I stayed on the floor for a very, very long time. I want to write about that. I want to share that experience because far too often we glaze past those moments to share the good stuff. The come up is much prettier and much more socially acceptable than the fall. I don't want that to be forgotten. Yes, there is healing and there is joy and those should be talked about and shared as well. But not in place of the bad parts. I begged for the bad parts when I was walking through this. I found a few people that had a similar experience that shared their struggles, and trials, and heartache. They didn't sweep all of their pain under the rug because they were better. They shared REAL pain and REAL struggles. And I found healing in their broken moments. To be clear, I don't want anyone to stay in a place of brokenness - I just don't want to breeze by it. Those moments of brokenness define the heart in which you are operating. That is far too important to throw perfume and excuses and cliches over.
Questions
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Quote
The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit. -Nelson Henderson
Song
"Wide Open" by North Point Worship
If I make my bed in darkness, if I try my best to hide
You know the farthest ocean, You give the morning its light
I can't run from Your presence, 'cause there's no place that far
So I run to you my Savior, there's safety in Your arms
There's safety in Your arms
On the other side of everything I'm afraid of
You are standing with Your arms wide open, wide open
Even in my deepest doubts and wonder
You are standing with your arms wide open, wide open
Side bar: I am an absolute doomsday damsel (OK, maybe I'm too old to be a damsel, but whatever). I envision every terrible situation that could possibly happen and then add 3-5 things on top of that which could go wrong. I am always prepared for the worst. And I never saw this coming.
I will talk a little about this later on, but do you know what it does to a person that has been apocalypse prepping their whole life to be side swiped by something tragic? You feel totally betrayed by your own heart and mind. You start to become angry at yourself for not putting up additional, more durable walls in your life. Your pride rises up to remind you that you got duped; to remind you why you built this moat in the first place. This all happens within seconds and it terrorizes your heart and mind for months and years to come. The lingering pain of a betrayal can take every last ounce of energy and good faith in people that you could possible muster up and leaves you on the floor of your life, on your own, trying to figure out how you are possibly going to get up. Again.
I stayed on the floor for a very, very long time. I want to write about that. I want to share that experience because far too often we glaze past those moments to share the good stuff. The come up is much prettier and much more socially acceptable than the fall. I don't want that to be forgotten. Yes, there is healing and there is joy and those should be talked about and shared as well. But not in place of the bad parts. I begged for the bad parts when I was walking through this. I found a few people that had a similar experience that shared their struggles, and trials, and heartache. They didn't sweep all of their pain under the rug because they were better. They shared REAL pain and REAL struggles. And I found healing in their broken moments. To be clear, I don't want anyone to stay in a place of brokenness - I just don't want to breeze by it. Those moments of brokenness define the heart in which you are operating. That is far too important to throw perfume and excuses and cliches over.
Questions
- What story deserves to be told? For your healing, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, for someone else? Someone is searching for YOUR story, YOUR pain, YOUR process, and YOUR resolve. That is way too important to stay underground.
- What grief have you been burying in search of the "good stuff"? This is a bandaid; not a solution. FEEL your grief. Process it. Find out what is healthy and unhealthy in that process. You get to determine all of that! You are in control of your own grief processing. No one else gets to define that for you.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Quote
The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit. -Nelson Henderson
Song
"Wide Open" by North Point Worship
If I make my bed in darkness, if I try my best to hide
You know the farthest ocean, You give the morning its light
I can't run from Your presence, 'cause there's no place that far
So I run to you my Savior, there's safety in Your arms
There's safety in Your arms
On the other side of everything I'm afraid of
You are standing with Your arms wide open, wide open
Even in my deepest doubts and wonder
You are standing with your arms wide open, wide open
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