4. Expectations and Restoration

I have always struggled with moving on from something that doesn’t have a resolution. It doesn’t feel done. It doesn’t feel over. That is relationships, experiences, jobs – anything that could possibly be wrapped up in a nice bow OR burned down to the ground. Anywhere in that middle area makes me so uncomfortable. This has been life giving in some areas and painstakingly unhealthy in others.

Among my top five strengths, according to Strength Quest, is “Restorative”.  (My other 4 are belief, empathy, developer, and adaptability, as I am sure you were dying to know) (Oh, also, I’m a 2 w3 on the Enneagram, my love language is equal parts physical touch and quality time, I am an IS on the DISC assessment, and my learning style is through application.) I am little bit obsessed with figuring out how I relate, love, accomplish, and learn. I am a lot obsessed with learning how others do as well. It is genuinely hard for me to not look at a relationship, disagreement, or a behavior and not tie it back to one of these assessments.

Back to restorative – You don’t have to read this whole thing but pay attention the emphasized parts.

You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You may prefer practical problems or conceptual ones or personal ones. You may seek out specific kinds of problems that you have met many times before and that you are confident you can fix. Or you may feel the greatest push when faced with complex and unfamiliar problems. Your exact preferences are determined by your other themes and experiences. But what is certain is that you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory.Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing—this machine, this technique, this person, this company—might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.

Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.

I mean, does anyone else hear the roar of the crowd on their feet applauding and cheering for me right now? No? Oh. Just me then? 

The thing is - my reality lives and dies on being the savior of things in my world. I truly do intend to approach this from a place of humility, but it can be a pretty slippery slope when I am the sole person responsible for restoring something, or even worse, failing to do so.  When other people or scenarios do not meet this with the same sense of urgency, it breeds panic inside of me.

We all have preconceived feelings and thoughts. We have triggers on the surface and ones buried deep inside of us. What we bring to the table encompasses our past and our present, and it will inform the future. Everyone brings with them what they have. People ask us to carry their history in the present and we ask the same of others. Sometimes we are capable of this and sometimes we are not. Sometimes that is our fault and sometimes it is not.

I don’t think anyone in church leadership set out to be malicious or intentionally hurt me or my family. I think there were some selfish and ignorant choices made that had tragic and long-lasting consequences. While I know everyone is human, myself included, responsibility should be taken when someone is wounded by these things. It is also important that I look at the situation outside of my lens. Look at where I was triggered to react or retreat. I brought those to the table. I carried them right into that situation as though they were limbs on my body. I expected people that knew me to maneuver around them and care for them specifically. I was hurt when they didn’t. I had shared parts of my life, and love, and history, and wounds, and sacrifices with these people. I gave them pieces of me that I didn’t just dole out to the general public. I gave them pieces that I had held closely to me and believed they would protect. They didn’t. I watched this play out with people that I needed. People that I trusted. I needed them to help me dig my way out.  Instead, over and over again, it felt like they were throwing dirt on my grave. Burying me a little bit more with each poor decision. I could only retreat or react; I did both. In healthy ways and in very, very unhealthy ways.

I don’t think that anyone knew what to do with me at this time. People were afraid to set me off. They were afraid to say the wrong thing. I just wanted them to say something. Anything. It shouldn’t matter how I react. Let me react. Offer me the space to react. To share my trauma. But people were too afraid of the ugly inside of me to offer that. Or more likely, the ugly spilling out of me that was completely unpredictable. I was also afraid of the ugly inside of me. I was afraid of how quickly it was growing. At how many people were affected when it inadvertently spilled out. I was afraid that I didn’t know who I was becoming. And the people that contributed to me feeling this way threw their hands up and decided that they couldn’t help me.

Here is some freedom that I have learned. I hope that this produces forgiveness and allows you to release these hurts, all while finding strength in yourself.

Everyone is doing their best. Recognize that. Accept that. Ask yourself these questions.

Questions

• Did they give me their best? There are some scenarios where someone’s best isn’t good enough for you. If that is a holistic revelation for you, remove yourself from that situation. I am not talking about a mistake – I am talking about a behavior. If their very best leaves you feeling unloved, unappreciated, yearning for more, and or more tired than energized, I have a few things for you to think about:

• Are your expectations realistic? Check your own expectations. There are some times where we have to adjust our expectations of people. This does not mean you settle. This does not mean you should be treated poorly. It simply means you should be realistic about what you are asking out of someone. I can look back at times where I expected, without ever expressing it, way too much of someone. It still hurt when they didn’t deliver, but they weren’t really set up for success, in any way, to meet my expectations.

•  Is this a season of time where the right thing to do is love someone through this? Is this a relationship where you need to give someone your very best to love them back to their very best? Or is this the way it has always been, and change is not going to happen?

• Is this a relationship or experience that it is time to exit? Walk away. Simple as that. There are some scenarios that we are doomed to watch as they crumble. (me, I’m talking about me. The ones that identify with restorative)No amount of effort, love, integrity, or time will change this. It is going to hurt one way or another. Sometimes the exit, painful as it may be, is they only direction that is going to bring you healing.

-If you are trying to figure which one of these speaks best to your situation, start with the one that scares you the most. Freedom is often found through a journey that looks far too big. In all reality, your very painful decision probably encompasses all three of those options. Just be sure to not move to one too quickly or stay in one too long.

Scripture
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Quote
You cannot expect what you do not express. - Steven Furtick

Song 
"Push/Pull" by Hillsong Young & Free

You won't walk away
Won't give me up
I know Your grace has forgiven much
You call me Yours
How can it be
In awe again
Here remembering
You won't give me up

--------------------------

How vast is the grace You gave
I'm free and forgiven
Your love is the safest place
The peace I will live in
Now I have eternity
And I'll sing of Your truth

And a hope that will never fail
A love that is so true
Oh grace upon grace again
Forever found in You
For my Jesus, You'll never fail
My Jesus, I'm holding onto You