5. Bridges

I grew up in Grand Island in a small suburban town in Western NY, just south of Niagara Falls. Residents refer to it as “the island” It was quiet, safe, community driven and where people would genuinely want to raise a family. As a teenager, I had big dreams of getting off the island. I felt so held down here. I couldn’t escape the people that shared positive and negative experiences with me. It honestly just felt like I was in a box of redundancy that was never going to allow me to escape to be different, to be better. Looking back, I am sure that a lot of people felt that way about their hometowns. It had nothing to do the island, its all about needing to grow; needing to change.

So, as soon as I could, I moved off the island and vowed to never, ever move back. I’ll spare you the long, drawn out story of what happened in the time that I left the island and the time that I moved back, bought a house, and raised my kid in my hometown. Removing yourself from a situation, particularly one that built you into who you are, is a surefire way to know which part of that was manufactured or obliged and which parts of you are authentic.

I had a group of best friends in high school that catered my every dramatic moment, and I theirs. Any opportunity to scream and yell and cry was totally encouraged by one another. We still talk all the time, get together once a month or so, and take a summer vacation together. We spend a lot of that time making fun of just how dramatic we were. One of the things a couple of us did when we were upset was go sit underneath the Grand Island bridges and just think and cry. Like that was the point of it – to go sit and feel sorry for yourself. The only time I ever had a significant, warranted dilemma to ponder the existence of God and life was post pregnancy test.

I still go sit at the bridges though. It is the place that built me. It is peaceful. Grand Island is my home.I have felt this way about a few other things in my life. One of them was my church. Gosh, I LOVED my church. It built me into the leader I am. It gave me the opportunities to connect with people and learn grace, and love, and forgiveness. It gave me the tools to love people like Jesus does. And it was so. much. fun. A large portion of the best memories of my life came from serving in the high school ministry. I did that for 10 years. I didn’t feel like I had a ton of options when it came to leaving my church. I genuinely tried to hold on as long as I could, but in the end, it wasn’t a healthy situation for me anymore. But this was my home. It was the place that built me. I lost my church, my ministry, my community, my friends. I lost the four walls that built me. I grieved that for such a long time without really being able to put it into words.

About a month ago, my youth pastors reached out to me. Yes, the youth pastors that had to deal with a teenage Kelly (pray for them; they are definitely still scarred from hurricane Kelly). We have kept in pretty close touch over the last 20 years, but I went into a shell when all of this happened. I did not share this with them. They reached out and wanted to know how I was doing and about all the changes in my life. I shared very briefly that I had left my church and that it was very difficult. They knew how much I loved my church. That was one of the greatest joys of our relationship, sharing what we were doing in youth ministry. Chelle shared with me that she had been praying for us for almost a year without really understanding what she had been praying for. She shared some very private prayer moments with me. Ones that spoke to my wounded and confused heart. I went to bed that night feeling so thankful that they are still leaders in my life, and my friends. But I was also very quickly reminded that they are the four walls that built me. They showed me Jesus. They showed me how the church should function. Not just when I was 15, but throughout my whole life. They showed me the life-changing power of Jesus Christ and how, in Him, we are a new creation. God used the people that were the most influential in the beginning of a relationship with Him. If you would have asked me how God was going to use the people that led me to Jesus 25 years later, I would have had no idea it was this, nor would I have picked it. But this was home, and I am pretty grateful for it.

All that to say, home has a way of coming back to you. When it is supposed to, Should I end with Home is where the heart is? Nah. BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE?

Questions

• Where have you found your foundation? What built you? I assure you it isn't in the place or people that hurt you. Even though that feels impossible to believe. There is a time and place where you chose to believe what you believe. Truth very much exists in the waiting and brokenness. It just tends to be so much harder to see. Think back to the places and people and experiences that showed you Jesus. That moment was pure and full of hope. Do not let the place of hurt or betrayal shadow that. That is fleeting. That feeling is temporary. But really think back to your values and beliefs. They are within you. They are a part of you - and should not be extracted or dismissed because someone else didn't care for them well enough. 
• Who are the people that poured into you? Forget the people that wounded you for a minute. Think about the MANY people that didn't. Think about those people and how God place them in your life in THAT moment, but very much, for THIS moment. Don't wrap that up in people, places, or things. This is the God that LOVES you, giving you the space to choose Him.

Scripture
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7:24-27
 
Quote
What you need along the way is a deep sense of gods deep unconditional love and a strong sense of your own purpose. Without those two, you will need from people what is only God’s to give, and you’ll give up on your larger purpose in order to fulfill smaller purposes or other people’s purposes. -Shauna Neiquist

Song 
"I Wont Move" by Life.Church Worship
 
In the place we met
Where hopelessness meets grace
Quiet all the noise
Every whispered lie
Put to rest by perfect peace 

Even in my doubt
I will not forget
You are faithful still to me

I won’t take a single step
Til I hear your voice, I surrender

When my eyes, cannot see
It’s your voice that’s leading me
Out of darkness, Into light
It’s your love breaking through the night
I won’t move until you speak
I won’t move until you speak